Tuesday, November 12, 2013
11/12/13 -- I've been played
So...I think I've been played. By Bess. She lost a tooth on Sunday night...asked me where to put it and I told her on the counter in my bathroom. She came back to tell me she found her "tooth" case that comes from school when the kids lose teeth during the day. She told me 4 teeth were already in it....okay so this one must have come from the dentist office....and she was going to add the 5th tooth and put it under her pillow. Now...honestly....I've been a terrible tooth fairy. Abysmal. But mostly I've gotten away with it because my girls would forget about their lost teeth come bedtime....but not this time. But hey...she's 11 and in 6th grade. But Monday morning, I got the sad little girl routine. Broke this momma's heart. I told her --- you know it was really windy last night. Maybe the tooth fairy got blown off course. So last night...she placed the teeth under her pillow again....and then when she couldn't sleep and Bill let her come downstairs -- she came tooth holder in hand -- and under the pillow it went...and after she was asleep....the exchange was made. So this morning, she woke to $5 under the pillow. And now I'm getting the feeling I was played.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Morning routine
He wiped the steam from the bathroom mirror. An automatic gesture using his right hand, wiping left to right. Next he looked down into the bisque cup, quickly stirred the shaving lather and applied the cream with practiced movements with the badger hair brush. He set the cup down and picked up the silver blade. Screetch. Flick. Screetch. Flick. The straight edge making clean rows in the white foam.
Each part of the routine followed exactly just as Papaw Joe had done each morning. His earliest memory from childhood was pushing open the door to the bathroom, early morning sunshine making the white porcelain fixtures glow, climbing up on to the toilet seat to sit and watch his Papaw Joe start his day.
Papaw Joe seemed like such a big man. Indestructible, constant and sober.
For over 50 years, Proraso products have provided the pleasure of a smooth, perfect shave, like you would enjoy from your trusted barber. Formulated with a traditional combination of eucalyptus oil, menthol, and glycerin, Proraso Shaving Cream moisturizes and protects the skin for a smooth, comfortable shave.
Witch hazel and bay rum are nice - aftershave.
Each part of the routine followed exactly just as Papaw Joe had done each morning. His earliest memory from childhood was pushing open the door to the bathroom, early morning sunshine making the white porcelain fixtures glow, climbing up on to the toilet seat to sit and watch his Papaw Joe start his day.
Papaw Joe seemed like such a big man. Indestructible, constant and sober.
For over 50 years, Proraso products have provided the pleasure of a smooth, perfect shave, like you would enjoy from your trusted barber. Formulated with a traditional combination of eucalyptus oil, menthol, and glycerin, Proraso Shaving Cream moisturizes and protects the skin for a smooth, comfortable shave.
Witch hazel and bay rum are nice - aftershave.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
What's in the envelope?
The color drained from his face as he scanned the piece of paper in his hand. The cryptic message sent a chill down his spine. Why now? Just when everything was falling into place. And now on the eve of his triumph....war.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Jenny -- Access denied
Jenny leaned sideways out of her chair to eavesdrop on her co-worker Miranda's conversation with their boss, Celeste. Jenny was pretty sure Miranda was some sort of superhero, there was very little Miranda couldn't do well. Although she had been out sick the last few days. Well, even heroes had at least one tiny flaw.
"Celeste, I can't seem to access the secure disk," Miranda was saying. "Did you happen to change my access?"
"Well no," replied Celeste. "The IT guys have been here working on my computer but they weren't supposed to change any of the settings."
"Hugo doesn't have access either," Miranda reported.
"That is so odd."
The secure disk contained all the office's sensitive and confidential files. Jenny had access for a while. She'd had to retrieve several files for Celeste while Hugo was on vacation and Miranda had been at lunch. Jenny had been somewhat smug because Celeste had not turned off her access. Maybe she was finally going to be a full-fledged member of the team. Of course, Jenny knew it was really only because Celeste had forgotten to change her restricted status. The other day, Jenny had eagerly offered to get a file for Celeste while Miranda was sick and suddenly her access was restricted again. Jenny had just vented last night to her roommate about how petty Celeste could be, it hurt a little to still feel like an outsider. Jenny shrunk a little in her chair feeling guilty. Maybe it wasn't Celeste being petty. Jenny shouldn't have been so quick to jump to conclusions.
Miranda called out from her desk, "Never mind, Celeste I can see the disk now."
Jenny quickly typed out the access information for the drive. Would it be there for her too?
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Hard habit to break
I have been in a rut....my last two paragraphs or character sketches have been focused on women battling themselves and their brokenness....this is not necessarily bad...but I'm struggling to break away from the sadness and grief I'm feeling, that is being reflected in my sketches. Eek....I need to figure out what is breaking my heart.
Sneakers
Gwen paused as she was putting on her running shoes. With a deep breath, she admitted to herself what she'd been feeling for the last few weeks. She was lonely. Surrounded by crowds, there was no one with whom she was intimate. No she didn't mean physically. Gwen meant someone she could tell her deepest secrets, her hurts, her dreams. She felt dry, isolated and sad. During the last week, Gwen had slipped away from her desk to cry in the bathroom. There wasn't even always a trigger, but silently the tears would roll down her cheeks. Filled to the brim, her eyes overflowed. But as quickly as the blues came on, the wave of sorrow passed as Gwen gave herself a good mental shake.
"Enough," she told herself. "You have too much to be thankful for to sit and wallow."
Wiping her nose on the tissue she kept in her running jacket, Gwen replaced the tissue and finished lacing up her shoes.
"Nothing a little run won't straighten out," she thought.
"Enough," she told herself. "You have too much to be thankful for to sit and wallow."
Wiping her nose on the tissue she kept in her running jacket, Gwen replaced the tissue and finished lacing up her shoes.
"Nothing a little run won't straighten out," she thought.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Sal
Sal couldn't seem to help herself. She was caught in a vicious cycle of misery and anger. She was tired, frustrated and just plain pissed off. And the real stinker was the person with whom she was most angry was her! How is that fair? It wasn't. Sal kicked one of her slippers across the room.
Why was everyone on her last nerve....or was Sal on her last nerve because everyone else was so stupid. Take Lisa for example. The girl claimed to be one of Sal's truest and dearest friends. You caught that right? Lisa was the one who gave herself the honor. Typical. Lisa loved dominating conversations generously sprinkling it with industry slang from her job at the insurance agency...just so someone would ask her what the hell she was talking about. As if that wasn't manipulative. And lately, Lisa had started making snide comments about Sal's outfits, the state of the papers on her desk, and even took issue with how often Sal rotated the plants on her office window sill. Seriously? Sal knew all the nitpicking to make it seem that Sal was incompetent and needed Lisa to come to her rescue. Well dang it...Sal was tired of it.
Sal blew out a big breath....and ran her hand through her hair. Time for the shame spiral. Sal knew that Lisa was immensely insecure. That's what drove her behaviors. Her husband had dumped her two years ago, leaving her alone and feeling unloved. Everything she did was to show she was necessary and important. Couldn't Sal just allow her that vulnerability. Couldn't Sal just show a little mercy and grace....especially since Sal knew she wasn't perfect and struggled with her own self-doubt.
"Ah, crap. Why the frack do I do this to myself," sighed Sal. She felt totally mired in this muck. Why couldn't she forgive Lisa for her annoying habits. Why couldn't she just chalk them up and let Lisa's good traits outweigh the tick-ity tacky stuff. On the other hand, Sal silently argued with herself....why was it okay for her to be Lisa's doormat? WHAP! The other slipper flew across the room hitting the wall.
"Am I the only person who feels this way?" shouted Sal at the wall. She felt so alone. Why she spending so much time on this? Why couldn't she shake it. And yet, when things that annoyed her or frankly insulted her happened, she always seemed to be caught flat-footed. No response ready, not able to put a stop to the crap in way that didn't escalate the situation or worse make Sal feel like a complete nincompoop 5 minutes later.
Finally, exhausted from her pacing and ranting, Sal dropped to the couch. "God," she pleaded, "help me. This is just too hard. I'm failing myself and I'm failing You. Help me."
Silence.
And then her tears started to fall.
Why was everyone on her last nerve....or was Sal on her last nerve because everyone else was so stupid. Take Lisa for example. The girl claimed to be one of Sal's truest and dearest friends. You caught that right? Lisa was the one who gave herself the honor. Typical. Lisa loved dominating conversations generously sprinkling it with industry slang from her job at the insurance agency...just so someone would ask her what the hell she was talking about. As if that wasn't manipulative. And lately, Lisa had started making snide comments about Sal's outfits, the state of the papers on her desk, and even took issue with how often Sal rotated the plants on her office window sill. Seriously? Sal knew all the nitpicking to make it seem that Sal was incompetent and needed Lisa to come to her rescue. Well dang it...Sal was tired of it.
Sal blew out a big breath....and ran her hand through her hair. Time for the shame spiral. Sal knew that Lisa was immensely insecure. That's what drove her behaviors. Her husband had dumped her two years ago, leaving her alone and feeling unloved. Everything she did was to show she was necessary and important. Couldn't Sal just allow her that vulnerability. Couldn't Sal just show a little mercy and grace....especially since Sal knew she wasn't perfect and struggled with her own self-doubt.
"Ah, crap. Why the frack do I do this to myself," sighed Sal. She felt totally mired in this muck. Why couldn't she forgive Lisa for her annoying habits. Why couldn't she just chalk them up and let Lisa's good traits outweigh the tick-ity tacky stuff. On the other hand, Sal silently argued with herself....why was it okay for her to be Lisa's doormat? WHAP! The other slipper flew across the room hitting the wall.
"Am I the only person who feels this way?" shouted Sal at the wall. She felt so alone. Why she spending so much time on this? Why couldn't she shake it. And yet, when things that annoyed her or frankly insulted her happened, she always seemed to be caught flat-footed. No response ready, not able to put a stop to the crap in way that didn't escalate the situation or worse make Sal feel like a complete nincompoop 5 minutes later.
Finally, exhausted from her pacing and ranting, Sal dropped to the couch. "God," she pleaded, "help me. This is just too hard. I'm failing myself and I'm failing You. Help me."
Silence.
And then her tears started to fall.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
So...how do you knock someone off
It's really amusing to think of what the peeps who creep your searches must think when they come across my searches for methods of offing people.....he he he he!
ups and downs
So tired of the ups and downs. I get nearly sea sick. Am I normal? Am I a hag? I wish I could just find a happy medium and stay on an even keel.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Stumbling block
Yesterday during prayer at church, we used the ACTS formula for praying. Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication. And during the confession time, I asked for God to search my heart and help me identify my areas of sin. It amazes me how often I am my worst stumbling block. And it mostly stems from fear....I haven't tried something or pushed myself...or even when I use my snarky mouth to criticize/gossip/belittle....it is because I fear. How disappointing it is to me to realize that...the flipside...now I know the challenge I need God's help to overcome.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Pfff
One of those days. Frustration. Disillusionment. Anger. And then my internal voice (and sometimes a whispered external voice) chiding myself to stop being so harsh, stop being so judgmental....and it is so hard. This is where the lesson, one time is not enough comes up....I wish I could make up my mind to fix something and basically *poof* it is done. I know there is a bible verse that talks about groaning...and I think it's in terms of change....boy do I feel those groans. It really is a perfect descriptor. There doesn't seem to be much peace....so I guess I find myself in a season of angst. Fabulous. Okay...something I have to write out....how can you expect something new and different if you change nothing. Do you ever have one of those --- duh moments.....something you've read and heard over and over again? You understand it just fine... but then suddenly, one day -- BAM -- you get it? Yeah well...that's me with if I want different I have to change. Doing what I'm doing is how I ended up here. Here is fine mind you....but there is more. I know there is. We've been told there is.....and I want it. And so I must change how I've done or not done things. And a lot of the change may be beyond me. It is change God has to bring....but I also have to let go of what I'm holding on to....and let the change come. If only it were as easy as typing those words.
And why isn't it easy? I mean really....why? I think of Tom Hanks in the movie "A league of their own" Geena Davis tells Hanks that she is quitting women's baseball because it got too hard. Hanks says, "Of course it's hard. That's what makes it great. If it was easy, everyone would do it." If it was easy.....
I also think as a parent. How hard it can be to hold yourself back from swooping in and doing something for your child instead of letting them struggle through the process and conquer a new skill or project for themselves. Evie just finished her first science fair project. Oh my was it hard for me to not try to overwhelm her with how I thought the project should go, be or look. And in the end, she completed it herself. It wasn't how I would have done it. It wasn't how I would have made it look. Was it the best looking science fair project? Nope. But it was all hers. Do I wish the paper cuts would have been straight and clean...ah duh....and it would have been so tempting to scold her for not having it look perfect or having procrastinated or blah-blub-blah bla-blah....but really who would I be helping then...not her and certainly not me. So she can feel proud of completing the project and the lessons she's learned are hers and hopefully they will be continuing building blocks for her future successes. And thinking that over...maybe now I have a little better insight into how God looks at us.
So in the book I'm reading "The Circle Maker," author Mark Batterson was talking dreams and setting goals. Dreaming God-sized dreams and setting goals with deadlines....without the deadlines the goals are no more useful than a dream. I believe God is calling me to writing and speaking. And so...here is a goal. To complete a manuscript before my 50th birthday. Batterson suggests you need to work like it depends on you, but pray like it depends on God....so there is my challenge. And yet there is a remaining question and I need God's guidance. I'm not sure what direction to go. Fiction or Non-Fiction. And so here's my prayer seeking an answer, wanting an answer to confirm the path to take to be in obedience with God's desires and plan for me.
And why isn't it easy? I mean really....why? I think of Tom Hanks in the movie "A league of their own" Geena Davis tells Hanks that she is quitting women's baseball because it got too hard. Hanks says, "Of course it's hard. That's what makes it great. If it was easy, everyone would do it." If it was easy.....
I also think as a parent. How hard it can be to hold yourself back from swooping in and doing something for your child instead of letting them struggle through the process and conquer a new skill or project for themselves. Evie just finished her first science fair project. Oh my was it hard for me to not try to overwhelm her with how I thought the project should go, be or look. And in the end, she completed it herself. It wasn't how I would have done it. It wasn't how I would have made it look. Was it the best looking science fair project? Nope. But it was all hers. Do I wish the paper cuts would have been straight and clean...ah duh....and it would have been so tempting to scold her for not having it look perfect or having procrastinated or blah-blub-blah bla-blah....but really who would I be helping then...not her and certainly not me. So she can feel proud of completing the project and the lessons she's learned are hers and hopefully they will be continuing building blocks for her future successes. And thinking that over...maybe now I have a little better insight into how God looks at us.
So in the book I'm reading "The Circle Maker," author Mark Batterson was talking dreams and setting goals. Dreaming God-sized dreams and setting goals with deadlines....without the deadlines the goals are no more useful than a dream. I believe God is calling me to writing and speaking. And so...here is a goal. To complete a manuscript before my 50th birthday. Batterson suggests you need to work like it depends on you, but pray like it depends on God....so there is my challenge. And yet there is a remaining question and I need God's guidance. I'm not sure what direction to go. Fiction or Non-Fiction. And so here's my prayer seeking an answer, wanting an answer to confirm the path to take to be in obedience with God's desires and plan for me.
Why is it so hard
I guess I have to twist this to look at the upside. I feel under attack. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I don't like being at work, I don't like a whole bunch of things. I want to be short and sharp with those around me. I feel angry. Maybe this means I'm growing and changing like God wants me too. But why is keeping that kingdom focus so hard? I tried praying for the people who's forms I was processing to keep from thinking negative thoughts about them....this has potential. But I haven't hit a hole in one for sure. I think I've come to realize I think I can lift something up once and it should be done. And really that's not how it works....not all the time at least. Persistence. UGH. But it's part of the journey....maybe somedays the hardest part. Well at least for today it's my hardest part.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
It's so much pressure to come up with a title....
Okay -- so my sweet friend Kim posted this link to a blog post about unparalleled obedience and it got me thinking...which I imagine would make the writer of the post happy as that was probably her point. HA. Anyway....one of the lines she uses is to stay firmly on a "God ordained path" Sounds like a good idea....but what in the world does that mean? See here's my problem...and I know it's just mine...but I'm sorta stuck with the idea that any God ordained path involves working in ministry....and I mean formally in ministry. And it really doesn't help my clarity on this issue that most of the people who talk about this are in fact in formal ministry in some way. I understand the whole "we are all parts of the body" and have different functions...but it's just hard for me to buy the "I'm an accountant for God" ....in my mind, if you are an accountant for it to count you'd have to work for a church or ministry group. I know this is not so...really I do...only I guess I don't. And no I don't expect any one to follow this. I'm not even sure I follow it. In a great book I'm reading "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson, he talks about someone who persistently applies for his dream job -- for 12 years -- with the State Dept. I'm so confused by this. I know I'm not at my best always at my job...but even when I am....I don't know that I see myself as being a licensing specialist for Jesus. Or that I've been called to be a licensing specialist by God. I know that not everyone can be in full time ministry....that'd be like all of us being stomachs...but it's just odd to me. I know I am over thinking this and it'll just have to come down to a "Trust Me" issue...and maybe at some point I'll be able to wrap my head around it.
The post also caused me to reflect on the words God's been whispering to me and was my sorta them for the year ....Surrender....and I'm not sure I have been obedient as I should....again....I'm not sure what it looks like. But I don't think I'm there yet.
Several thoughts have been bubbling in my head and heart. Another dear friend of mine gives up sweets every year for lent although she's not Catholic. She does this to show respect for all that Christ suffered for us. I also have wrestled with the challenge that Lysa Terkeurst has talked about and written about in Made to Crave -- do we put things such as food before our relationship with God. So I am embarking on a challenge for lent that I've felt prompted to surrender...and that is watching television. So starting tomorrow through Easter...no TV. I'm excited. A little nervous...but I know I can do it. I'm tempted to pile on a whole lot more of things to give up....which is so me...the all or nothing attitude....so I'm keeping it to just television. I was almost going to give myself a special dispensation so I could watch the season finale of Downton Abbey....but this last episode ended so nicely with things mostly at peace that I figured that was a nice present to me....and since the episode had such a nice "resolved" feeling to it...that the season finale would only bring new trouble or stress to keep us hanging on until next season. Some days...I'm so quirky and silly I just have to laugh at me.
The post also caused me to reflect on the words God's been whispering to me and was my sorta them for the year ....Surrender....and I'm not sure I have been obedient as I should....again....I'm not sure what it looks like. But I don't think I'm there yet.
Several thoughts have been bubbling in my head and heart. Another dear friend of mine gives up sweets every year for lent although she's not Catholic. She does this to show respect for all that Christ suffered for us. I also have wrestled with the challenge that Lysa Terkeurst has talked about and written about in Made to Crave -- do we put things such as food before our relationship with God. So I am embarking on a challenge for lent that I've felt prompted to surrender...and that is watching television. So starting tomorrow through Easter...no TV. I'm excited. A little nervous...but I know I can do it. I'm tempted to pile on a whole lot more of things to give up....which is so me...the all or nothing attitude....so I'm keeping it to just television. I was almost going to give myself a special dispensation so I could watch the season finale of Downton Abbey....but this last episode ended so nicely with things mostly at peace that I figured that was a nice present to me....and since the episode had such a nice "resolved" feeling to it...that the season finale would only bring new trouble or stress to keep us hanging on until next season. Some days...I'm so quirky and silly I just have to laugh at me.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Access?
Jenny leaned sideways out of her chair to eavesdrop on her co-worker Miranda's conversation with their boss, Celeste. Jenny was pretty sure Miranda was some sort of superhero, there was very little Miranda couldn't do well. Although she had been out sick the last few days. Well, even heroes had at least one tiny flaw.
"Celeste, I can't seem to access the secure disk," Miranda was saying. "Did you happen to change my access?"
"Well no," replied Celeste. "The IT guys have been here working on my computer but they weren't supposed to change any of the settings."
"Hugo doesn't have access either," Miranda reported.
"That is so odd."
The secure disk contained all the office's sensitive and confidential files. Jenny had access for a while. She'd had to retrieve several files for Celeste while Hugo was on vacation and Miranda had been at lunch. Jenny had been somewhat smug because Celeste had not turned off her access. Maybe she was finally going to be a full-fledged member of the team. Of course, Jenny knew it was really only because Celeste had forgotten to change her restricted status. The other day, Jenny had eagerly offered to get a file for Celeste while Miranda was sick and suddenly her access was restricted again. Jenny had just vented last night to her roommate about how petty Celeste could be, it hurt a little to still feel like an outsider. Jenny shrunk a little in her chair feeling guilty. Maybe it wasn't Celeste being petty. Jenny shouldn't have been so quick to jump to conclusions.
Miranda called out from her desk, "Never mind, Celeste I can see the disk now."
Jenny quickly typed out the access information for the drive. Would it be there for her too?
No.
Jenny sighed and told herself that she knew darn well that Celeste could be fickle. So why did it always come as a surprise and disappointment? Because Jenny had been so excited to have her first female boss. She'd had a string of male bosses. Sure she'd learned plenty from them. But she had wondered what it would be like to have a female boss who would take an interest in her and become a real mentor. Jenny shook her head. She shouldn't hold Celeste responsible for not living up to Jenny's impossible daydream. She might as well had a dream that they'd brush each other's hair and do their nails together over lunch. That was just about as likely. Jenny almost laughed out loud at the thought. It was just that Celeste was much more human than Jenny had dreamed.
"Celeste, I can't seem to access the secure disk," Miranda was saying. "Did you happen to change my access?"
"Well no," replied Celeste. "The IT guys have been here working on my computer but they weren't supposed to change any of the settings."
"Hugo doesn't have access either," Miranda reported.
"That is so odd."
The secure disk contained all the office's sensitive and confidential files. Jenny had access for a while. She'd had to retrieve several files for Celeste while Hugo was on vacation and Miranda had been at lunch. Jenny had been somewhat smug because Celeste had not turned off her access. Maybe she was finally going to be a full-fledged member of the team. Of course, Jenny knew it was really only because Celeste had forgotten to change her restricted status. The other day, Jenny had eagerly offered to get a file for Celeste while Miranda was sick and suddenly her access was restricted again. Jenny had just vented last night to her roommate about how petty Celeste could be, it hurt a little to still feel like an outsider. Jenny shrunk a little in her chair feeling guilty. Maybe it wasn't Celeste being petty. Jenny shouldn't have been so quick to jump to conclusions.
Miranda called out from her desk, "Never mind, Celeste I can see the disk now."
Jenny quickly typed out the access information for the drive. Would it be there for her too?
No.
Jenny sighed and told herself that she knew darn well that Celeste could be fickle. So why did it always come as a surprise and disappointment? Because Jenny had been so excited to have her first female boss. She'd had a string of male bosses. Sure she'd learned plenty from them. But she had wondered what it would be like to have a female boss who would take an interest in her and become a real mentor. Jenny shook her head. She shouldn't hold Celeste responsible for not living up to Jenny's impossible daydream. She might as well had a dream that they'd brush each other's hair and do their nails together over lunch. That was just about as likely. Jenny almost laughed out loud at the thought. It was just that Celeste was much more human than Jenny had dreamed.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Stereotyping...
No I'm not just typing to the music. :) Have been in a bible study on the book of James and verses 2:1-4 really have me thinking. Essentially I believe God through James is telling us not to judge people by how they appear -- and that we must love equally and all. Jeepers....who am I supposed to be? God? Ha ha ha...the answer is yes...yes you are called to be the face of God to others. Oh stink. This is one of those challenges I do great with....and then I get out of bed.
I've have prided myself on my ability to read people pretty quickly...but to be honest, if that's what I'm doing, I'm stereotyping. Lumping people into easily into categories and jumping to quick conclusions about them. And on my superficial reading of James, I believe I'm being told...."Hey knock it off."
But I fall into the trap time and again. At work, there are groups we stereotype based on ways the majority of the group act. Let's be honest, stereotyping works because it can reflect "cultural" differences, "educational" differences, "financial differences, political differences and so on. Recently, as I was having dinner with a friend who is more liberal than I am, I was telling a story and without thinking I personally identified her by telling her how much she would get a kick out the story of my daughter wanting to protest for the rainforest. I'm not positive but I think I really hurt her by my words. She did point out "I love how you think I'm going to enjoy that story." I don't believe she meant that "love" in the way I did. I stereotyped her and may have missed out on a deeper understanding of her heart. I shut it off because I figured I already knew her because of a stereotype I had in my head for how her political beliefs might influence her without knowing for sure.
I can point to many examples of times when my "first impressions" were off. And I also have to tell you even if my impression was right on, I still had an opportunity to learn from people I didn't respect or even like -- say nothing of love. So why can't I learn to have a heart like Jesus...for all God's children?
And yet, there are people who can get on my one last nerve like nobody's business. Frankly, I can't even always pinpoint what they do that makes me grind my teeth....but I know I deliberately close down when I am around them. Afraid I may snap and say something truly hurtful. I at least get that much of God's message. But I don't love them....and certainly not enough to die for them.
I haven't even touched on people who have either deliberately or accidentally hurt me. I've been busy building up a wall the last couple of days because an acquaintance of mine, in the guise of her job, wrote a letter critical of my husband. Mind you....I haven't even laid eyes on the letter...but the idea that it exists starts me wall building....and by the way....I do have boiling oil for those that try to cross that wall when they are on the other side.
Clearly I'm not fulfilling what I'm reading in James. My heart cries out..."But God -- you can't mean it. Look at these people....God they don't get it and they annoy and anger me. How can you expect me to love them." Talk about unlovable.
And that's part of it. God doesn't expect me to love them. He wants to give His love to them through me. Oh Lord...this is definitely be a "carry me" because I can't do this on my own.
I've have prided myself on my ability to read people pretty quickly...but to be honest, if that's what I'm doing, I'm stereotyping. Lumping people into easily into categories and jumping to quick conclusions about them. And on my superficial reading of James, I believe I'm being told...."Hey knock it off."
But I fall into the trap time and again. At work, there are groups we stereotype based on ways the majority of the group act. Let's be honest, stereotyping works because it can reflect "cultural" differences, "educational" differences, "financial differences, political differences and so on. Recently, as I was having dinner with a friend who is more liberal than I am, I was telling a story and without thinking I personally identified her by telling her how much she would get a kick out the story of my daughter wanting to protest for the rainforest. I'm not positive but I think I really hurt her by my words. She did point out "I love how you think I'm going to enjoy that story." I don't believe she meant that "love" in the way I did. I stereotyped her and may have missed out on a deeper understanding of her heart. I shut it off because I figured I already knew her because of a stereotype I had in my head for how her political beliefs might influence her without knowing for sure.
I can point to many examples of times when my "first impressions" were off. And I also have to tell you even if my impression was right on, I still had an opportunity to learn from people I didn't respect or even like -- say nothing of love. So why can't I learn to have a heart like Jesus...for all God's children?
And yet, there are people who can get on my one last nerve like nobody's business. Frankly, I can't even always pinpoint what they do that makes me grind my teeth....but I know I deliberately close down when I am around them. Afraid I may snap and say something truly hurtful. I at least get that much of God's message. But I don't love them....and certainly not enough to die for them.
I haven't even touched on people who have either deliberately or accidentally hurt me. I've been busy building up a wall the last couple of days because an acquaintance of mine, in the guise of her job, wrote a letter critical of my husband. Mind you....I haven't even laid eyes on the letter...but the idea that it exists starts me wall building....and by the way....I do have boiling oil for those that try to cross that wall when they are on the other side.
Clearly I'm not fulfilling what I'm reading in James. My heart cries out..."But God -- you can't mean it. Look at these people....God they don't get it and they annoy and anger me. How can you expect me to love them." Talk about unlovable.
And that's part of it. God doesn't expect me to love them. He wants to give His love to them through me. Oh Lord...this is definitely be a "carry me" because I can't do this on my own.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Someday...
Someday can be a trap. Because someday never comes. I'm pretty sure some smart person said that before this....if not....now a smart person has said it. Tee Hee.
What is it with human nature that makes it so hard go after things....or is it just me. I can find all kinds of hurdles that can seem to be "insurmountable" Why? What has become so hard to for me to believe in myself.
In some respects, I think I've let the breast cancer be both the reason to be challenged....but also at the same time, it's become the "can't" Part of that stems from the fact that it's still been pretty recent and there are times that energy just goes...I want to do so much. I think about starting to get up earlier, exercising and then having quiet time. But then...the energy isn't there to sustain that kind of activity. So it has to be in little steps. For me, that's hard. But if I want to find a bright side -- and really why not? -- maybe I have a better shot at maintaining the changes. Perhaps that's part of the lesson that needs to be learned.
I think it was Paul who said something along the line of why do I do the things I loath and don't do the things I love.....or something close to that.
What is it with human nature that makes it so hard go after things....or is it just me. I can find all kinds of hurdles that can seem to be "insurmountable" Why? What has become so hard to for me to believe in myself.
In some respects, I think I've let the breast cancer be both the reason to be challenged....but also at the same time, it's become the "can't" Part of that stems from the fact that it's still been pretty recent and there are times that energy just goes...I want to do so much. I think about starting to get up earlier, exercising and then having quiet time. But then...the energy isn't there to sustain that kind of activity. So it has to be in little steps. For me, that's hard. But if I want to find a bright side -- and really why not? -- maybe I have a better shot at maintaining the changes. Perhaps that's part of the lesson that needs to be learned.
I think it was Paul who said something along the line of why do I do the things I loath and don't do the things I love.....or something close to that.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Ego's tarnish on a falling star.
There have been a recent spate of news stories about Fox News and Sarah Palin parting ways. Palin at the height of her popularity signed a deal with Fox News, building a studio at her Alaska home and extending her influence over a disenchanted conservative voters. While it's no surprise that the group nicknamed the "Lame-Stream Media" by Palin would swoop in on this story about her fading star and influence they will miss a critical lesson for us all.
While I'm not ready to call Palin a flash in the pan it would be silly not to acknowledge that her star is not quit as bright. Frankly, I was one of her early cheerleaders. She brought such a fresh energy to a GOP desperately in need of an injection, she also gave a voice to conservative women who had for years been told their views were not legitimate because they were only parroting their husband's view. The subtext being these women were too stupid to have their own views since they weren't feminists. She made being a conservative female not only attractive but strong. Look out for the Mama Grizzlies.
Palin was mistreated by a cadre of Washington professionals who didn't understand her strengths nor have confidence in them. At the same time, rank and file conservatives were going crazy for the new personality center stage. So Palin took the adulation and believed the notion that not only did she have all the answers, she was the answer. A human failing with which we are all a little too familiar.
The truth is no person has all the answers. An effective leader must find advisors that can fill the gaps and strengthen their own performance. By being distrustful and perhaps threatened by experienced politicos, Palin cut herself off from the ability to become a more well rounded leader offering deep, well developed policy solutions instead of being reduced to spouting shallow sound bites.
While I'm not ready to call Palin a flash in the pan it would be silly not to acknowledge that her star is not quit as bright. Frankly, I was one of her early cheerleaders. She brought such a fresh energy to a GOP desperately in need of an injection, she also gave a voice to conservative women who had for years been told their views were not legitimate because they were only parroting their husband's view. The subtext being these women were too stupid to have their own views since they weren't feminists. She made being a conservative female not only attractive but strong. Look out for the Mama Grizzlies.
Palin was mistreated by a cadre of Washington professionals who didn't understand her strengths nor have confidence in them. At the same time, rank and file conservatives were going crazy for the new personality center stage. So Palin took the adulation and believed the notion that not only did she have all the answers, she was the answer. A human failing with which we are all a little too familiar.
The truth is no person has all the answers. An effective leader must find advisors that can fill the gaps and strengthen their own performance. By being distrustful and perhaps threatened by experienced politicos, Palin cut herself off from the ability to become a more well rounded leader offering deep, well developed policy solutions instead of being reduced to spouting shallow sound bites.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
So here I sit
So here I sit. Bright sunshiny Saturday morning and I'm watching the clock on my dashboard tick away the minutes. Waiting for a meeting that could mean...what? I had no idea. All I knew was, I wasn't going in just yet. The last five years of my life had been spent working for a boss that considered arriving on time to be late. Arrive five minutes early for everything or there was hell to pay. Well not any more. And so I sat.
But last night, the craziest thing happened. I got a message. Be at the campaign office at 9:00 a.m. And here I was. So much for not jumping when called. Pavlav's dogs had nothing on me. Here I was in the parking lot....and my one last shred of control was to walk into this meeting late. Okay so it was playground level control....but it was something. Right? Take that dogs.
8:59 a.m. the display showed. It was taking everything I had to not bolt for the door.
But last night, the craziest thing happened. I got a message. Be at the campaign office at 9:00 a.m. And here I was. So much for not jumping when called. Pavlav's dogs had nothing on me. Here I was in the parking lot....and my one last shred of control was to walk into this meeting late. Okay so it was playground level control....but it was something. Right? Take that dogs.
8:59 a.m. the display showed. It was taking everything I had to not bolt for the door.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Just a spark
He breathed on to his fingertips willing them to warm up. The campfire had gone out during the night in spite of his best efforts to keep it going. He was thankful that he'd at least taken the time to gather more kindling last evening. Papa had always said, "Do the work now little one. Tomorrow will only bring more." The frost on the ground stung his feet through the muslin strips he's wrapped tightly around them. The pain from the cold would have made gathering the twigs and leaves dreadful. As it was he was hunched into a tight ball to keep the cold at bay.
Another deep breath, followed by a gentle exhale and his fingers, stiff from the cold, began to ease open. He reached slowly and deliberately for the pile of kindling, carefully placing the fire's fuel so it would be ready to greet the reignited flame. The slow movements ached at first but also helped loosen the muscles in his wrists and fingers. Then he reached between his knees for the pouch that contained his fire kit laying on his feet. The pouch contained his flint, steel and some pieces of char cloth he'd made before starting this journey. He picked a piece of char cloth, laid it on top of the flint near the edge to catch the sparks as he'd quickly draw the steel against the flint. His concentration on the rapid striking of the steel on flint shut out the aching stiffness. The char cloth caught the sparks. He laid down the steel and gentle blew on the sparks. His free hand picked up some of the dry leaves and surrounded the cloth. He blew again and the sparks danced over to the leaves and turned into flames. Now that the fire had caught the kindling materials, he placed the flaming bundle under the logs and continued to feed the flame bits of twig and leaves to keep it going until the big pieces of wood caught the fire.
Another deep breath, followed by a gentle exhale and his fingers, stiff from the cold, began to ease open. He reached slowly and deliberately for the pile of kindling, carefully placing the fire's fuel so it would be ready to greet the reignited flame. The slow movements ached at first but also helped loosen the muscles in his wrists and fingers. Then he reached between his knees for the pouch that contained his fire kit laying on his feet. The pouch contained his flint, steel and some pieces of char cloth he'd made before starting this journey. He picked a piece of char cloth, laid it on top of the flint near the edge to catch the sparks as he'd quickly draw the steel against the flint. His concentration on the rapid striking of the steel on flint shut out the aching stiffness. The char cloth caught the sparks. He laid down the steel and gentle blew on the sparks. His free hand picked up some of the dry leaves and surrounded the cloth. He blew again and the sparks danced over to the leaves and turned into flames. Now that the fire had caught the kindling materials, he placed the flaming bundle under the logs and continued to feed the flame bits of twig and leaves to keep it going until the big pieces of wood caught the fire.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Some questions from church that really challenged me and I'll continue to ponder for a long time as I seek to put God first.
Lord, illuminate our hearts by your Spirit. Draw near to us as we draw near to you.
__________
What do you worship?
What do you fear?
What do you serve?
What do you crave?
What do you treasure?
What do you trust?
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.” James 4:7-8
Lord, illuminate our hearts by your Spirit. Draw near to us as we draw near to you.
__________
What do you worship?
What do you fear?
What do you serve?
What do you crave?
What do you treasure?
What do you trust?
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.” James 4:7-8
Saturday, January 19, 2013
I want chickens....
"I want chickens."
"Huh...What?"
"I said, I want chickens"
"I thought that's what you said. For dinner?"
"No silly. I want egg laying, coop living chickens. You know. Bwak. Bwak. Chickens. I want Chickens!"
"You can't be serious."
"I'm telling you it'd be great. You haven't had breakfast until you've had fresh chicken eggs."
"Um....I'm sure we could figure out an easier way to get fresh eggs. How about that farmer's market that all the hippies go to. I bet they have fresh eggs."
"I want my own chickens who lay their own eggs."
"Well of course you do. Seriously, you are joking aren't you?"
To be continued.....
Back to LeAnne
LeAnne enjoyed her morning commute. Walking those few blocks was a peaceful way to start her days. At the end of the day it also provided a nice transition to walk off the worst of the day. On those days that required a longer jaunt, LeAnne's garage was home to her parent's 1993 Ford Taurus. It was the opposite of flashy, it was so beige it blended in to the background just like LeAnne. LeAnne didn't need the car more than a few times a month to make a trip to the grocery store or perhaps to dinner with friends. Her dad was so proud of that old reliable Ford, it seemed disrespectful to get rid of it. It just felt comfortable. Besides, if her job required her to go out of town, the University provided a car. So her needs were met by the Taurus.
LeAnne did a quick mental check on when the last time she had "Ole T" out and how much gas was in the tank. Shopping and other errands were calling. Almost inexplicably, LeAnne had recently fallen in love with a picture of a smart car painted to look like a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe. It looked so zippy and fun. LeAnne smiled at the thought of the stares she'd attract driving an outrageous car. That kind of frivolous attention was what she had shunned since she'd been teenager. What on earth was she thinking? But it did make her smile.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Screaming in my head
I am having one of those days when it seems nothing is easy...no one is picking up what I'm wanting. How freaking self-centered does that sound. BIG Time....but there are times that work items go easy....and times when they don't. Right now....it's a don't. And then when I put out a plea for lunch to be brought to me....it totally gets misunderstood. I don't want to spell it out.....I just want you to intuitively know what I WANT!!!!! Is that too much to ask. I guess so. Sigh. Really my life is not that hard. It's just feeling hexagonal today -- when what I need is square.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Who works with Lois....
I don't even know that I think Lois is a main character....she has potential...except I'm thinking about renaming her LeAnne. I'm also toying with taking pics and then having to write about them. Mmmm....
For some reason, I'm thinking one of the people in LeAnne's day is the building manager/custodian. Feels a little obvious...but one of those people who can easily be overlooked but yet make everything go much smoother. Toying with names....and I scroll through several in my mind....first I go to Louis...but since LeAnne is an "L" name I don't think I should chose another L name. Joe seems too expected....so how about Micah. No...the more I think and write about him....Micah is not the right name. I know it's one of those names that is coming back in fashion but I see this as a grizzled older man who has worked hard, maybe several years outside....1st or 2nd generation immigrant from.....I really am feeling Italian background. He wears the dark navy Dickey's brand uniform ...matching shirt and pants....black shoe -- they are a lace-up style similar to the kind postal workers wear...maybe he worked at the post office and spending his post "postal" retirement working. There was an opening at the college and he figured the tuition benefits would be good for his kids. He has an adequate retirement plan from the Postal Service....but retirement turned into too much time on his hands. He does keep a small garden at home and is extremely proud of the tomatoes he raises each summer. He cans an amazing homemade pasta sauce. He also is very proud of his grandson Paul (or Paulo - a nickname). Paul is married to Sheryl, who is pregnant with twins -- their first children. Maybe my former postal worker's name is Carlo....
For some reason, I'm thinking one of the people in LeAnne's day is the building manager/custodian. Feels a little obvious...but one of those people who can easily be overlooked but yet make everything go much smoother. Toying with names....and I scroll through several in my mind....first I go to Louis...but since LeAnne is an "L" name I don't think I should chose another L name. Joe seems too expected....so how about Micah. No...the more I think and write about him....Micah is not the right name. I know it's one of those names that is coming back in fashion but I see this as a grizzled older man who has worked hard, maybe several years outside....1st or 2nd generation immigrant from.....I really am feeling Italian background. He wears the dark navy Dickey's brand uniform ...matching shirt and pants....black shoe -- they are a lace-up style similar to the kind postal workers wear...maybe he worked at the post office and spending his post "postal" retirement working. There was an opening at the college and he figured the tuition benefits would be good for his kids. He has an adequate retirement plan from the Postal Service....but retirement turned into too much time on his hands. He does keep a small garden at home and is extremely proud of the tomatoes he raises each summer. He cans an amazing homemade pasta sauce. He also is very proud of his grandson Paul (or Paulo - a nickname). Paul is married to Sheryl, who is pregnant with twins -- their first children. Maybe my former postal worker's name is Carlo....
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Fleshing out details about Lois....
So...some details about Lois....
She lives alone. Age range -- not necessarily obvious from what has been written so far. Concerned with practicality over style. (Rockports) Likes to rise early to enjoy solitude. Clearly is secure with herself as evidenced by living alone and enjoying the early rising and getting to work while still quiet. Or she could be shy, or have a bit of a phobia.
Weather doesn't seem to shake her morning routine.
She is a responsible neighbor -- wanting to hire neighbor kids, notices actions of neighbors and wants to conform.
She is has some disposable income (hiring the neighbor kids). She works on a campus -- so possibly educated.
Details I would add... Lois is in her late 30s - early 40s. She is well educated - CPA, MBA. She is employed in the administration of the campus as the VP of Financial Affairs. She had been hired for the position by the previous President, Don Thomas and is still loyal to him. She had worked with President Thomas' wife at a financial firm. Lois is used to being nondescript. She has done her best to not draw attention to her gender and dresses in basic colors with more boxy shaped jackets to draw attention away from her figure. She is very aware that she is in a male dominated occupation. While she wears the Rockports to walk in, she keeps a low heeled black pump at her desk for work.
In the administrative office suite (renovated by the new president) Lois has chosen the smallest office farthest from the President's office. However, her office has the arched windows with a diamond shaped panes which are a nod to the historic nature of the building. With crowed bookshelves the office feels like a cozy professors office. Her windows do open part way and over look the quad.
Lois spent a summer at the London School for Economics. She wanted to stay but finances and family matters prevented it.
The college she works at is a small Christian liberal arts school. She attended the school as an undergrad. Her grandfather, a local banker, had served on the Board of Trustees. He would bring Lois and her siblings to events at the college when they came to visit.
She lives alone. Age range -- not necessarily obvious from what has been written so far. Concerned with practicality over style. (Rockports) Likes to rise early to enjoy solitude. Clearly is secure with herself as evidenced by living alone and enjoying the early rising and getting to work while still quiet. Or she could be shy, or have a bit of a phobia.
Weather doesn't seem to shake her morning routine.
She is a responsible neighbor -- wanting to hire neighbor kids, notices actions of neighbors and wants to conform.
She is has some disposable income (hiring the neighbor kids). She works on a campus -- so possibly educated.
Details I would add... Lois is in her late 30s - early 40s. She is well educated - CPA, MBA. She is employed in the administration of the campus as the VP of Financial Affairs. She had been hired for the position by the previous President, Don Thomas and is still loyal to him. She had worked with President Thomas' wife at a financial firm. Lois is used to being nondescript. She has done her best to not draw attention to her gender and dresses in basic colors with more boxy shaped jackets to draw attention away from her figure. She is very aware that she is in a male dominated occupation. While she wears the Rockports to walk in, she keeps a low heeled black pump at her desk for work.
In the administrative office suite (renovated by the new president) Lois has chosen the smallest office farthest from the President's office. However, her office has the arched windows with a diamond shaped panes which are a nod to the historic nature of the building. With crowed bookshelves the office feels like a cozy professors office. Her windows do open part way and over look the quad.
Lois spent a summer at the London School for Economics. She wanted to stay but finances and family matters prevented it.
The college she works at is a small Christian liberal arts school. She attended the school as an undergrad. Her grandfather, a local banker, had served on the Board of Trustees. He would bring Lois and her siblings to events at the college when they came to visit.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Sucking energy/Lois Part 1
Okay....so having a kid home sick for three days tends to suck any energy or decent human-ness right out of me. And frankly one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone watches my screen without me inviting them too....something both my girls rock at....and if I yell at them I feel guilty -- but man I just can't stand so much togetherness.
Last night I was kicking around a character in my head...so here goes an attempt at translating brain ramblings to something a little more tangible.
Lois took a deep breath in as she stepped off her front porch step. The air smelled of spring. The effervescent aroma of her neighbor's freshly mowed grass sweetly promised a glorious day. She mentally added mowing her own small lawn that evening to her growing to do list. She really should see if one of the kids in the neighborhood would like to earn some pocket money. But that might be more effort than just doing it herself.
It was the stillness of dawn that Lois cherished as she began her four block walk to work. The sun had begun joining Lois for the brief walk to the campus again. While the neighborhood had always been safe, walking in daylight was more soothing. Lois footfalls were muted thanks to her sensible Rockport walkers even though the sidewalks were still gritty from the salt and gravel that were required to keep the sidewalks safe for pedestrians during the icy winter.
Last night I was kicking around a character in my head...so here goes an attempt at translating brain ramblings to something a little more tangible.
Lois took a deep breath in as she stepped off her front porch step. The air smelled of spring. The effervescent aroma of her neighbor's freshly mowed grass sweetly promised a glorious day. She mentally added mowing her own small lawn that evening to her growing to do list. She really should see if one of the kids in the neighborhood would like to earn some pocket money. But that might be more effort than just doing it herself.
It was the stillness of dawn that Lois cherished as she began her four block walk to work. The sun had begun joining Lois for the brief walk to the campus again. While the neighborhood had always been safe, walking in daylight was more soothing. Lois footfalls were muted thanks to her sensible Rockport walkers even though the sidewalks were still gritty from the salt and gravel that were required to keep the sidewalks safe for pedestrians during the icy winter.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Surrender
Since just before the new year, I have been hearing the whisper....Surrender. There is no question in my heart who's voice I am hearing. It is God gently nudging me in the way in which I should go. And so began 2013.
I knew there were a couple of areas I needed to surrender to God....my weight and my relationship with money. These two areas have provided repeated fertile ground for the devil to dance as he sowed seeds of self loathing and disappointment with myself. I have battled both for so long....and repeatedly lost...another thorn of shame. It was time for me to give in to God and let Him put these areas to rest. It was time for me to surrender. I laughed to myself -- sure pick a couple of easy ones to start with. No problem there. Of course...that wasn't the last laugh...because then I realized that compared with my fear of failing or the unknown...food and money were small potatoes.
The sad part of my realization about how paralyzing my fear had been....I'd been afraid to dream -- to dream God's dream for me. At 47, it's sad to realize how much time I had lost by refusing to surrender those fears and trust. Trust a God who is more than able, more than full of love for me and a God who dreams big dreams just for me.
I love the voice of God and his confirmation. I knew I needed to write and to return to the blog forum. So I clicked on my friend Kim's blog and what was her latest entry about....Dreaming God-sized Dreams. Oh Lord...how I love your humor.
What is my God-sized dream I've been so afraid of....here it is....I want to make my living writing and speaking. I think a large part of me is afraid of failing, of being wrong...so afraid I wouldn't surrender to my heart's desire. Again, I hear God whisper...surrender. In visiting with my husband about my dream...I told him..."Well I know I need to pursue non-fiction writing because it's what I'm good at...even tho I've always loved fiction." And he told me..."Listen this may hurt your feelings...but you are being a chicken shit. You don't know you are not good at fiction because you've never done it. You believe you are good at non-fiction opinion pieces and political writing because it's what you've done...." And there in his words was the voice of God whispering again...surrender.
So Lord, I'm going to surrender my dream to you. I trust you with it. I will do my best to do my part, sometimes I'll be afraid again. But along with the other struggles I lay at your feet, I will continue to surrender even my dreams to you...knowing You can make them bloom.
I knew there were a couple of areas I needed to surrender to God....my weight and my relationship with money. These two areas have provided repeated fertile ground for the devil to dance as he sowed seeds of self loathing and disappointment with myself. I have battled both for so long....and repeatedly lost...another thorn of shame. It was time for me to give in to God and let Him put these areas to rest. It was time for me to surrender. I laughed to myself -- sure pick a couple of easy ones to start with. No problem there. Of course...that wasn't the last laugh...because then I realized that compared with my fear of failing or the unknown...food and money were small potatoes.
The sad part of my realization about how paralyzing my fear had been....I'd been afraid to dream -- to dream God's dream for me. At 47, it's sad to realize how much time I had lost by refusing to surrender those fears and trust. Trust a God who is more than able, more than full of love for me and a God who dreams big dreams just for me.
I love the voice of God and his confirmation. I knew I needed to write and to return to the blog forum. So I clicked on my friend Kim's blog and what was her latest entry about....Dreaming God-sized Dreams. Oh Lord...how I love your humor.
What is my God-sized dream I've been so afraid of....here it is....I want to make my living writing and speaking. I think a large part of me is afraid of failing, of being wrong...so afraid I wouldn't surrender to my heart's desire. Again, I hear God whisper...surrender. In visiting with my husband about my dream...I told him..."Well I know I need to pursue non-fiction writing because it's what I'm good at...even tho I've always loved fiction." And he told me..."Listen this may hurt your feelings...but you are being a chicken shit. You don't know you are not good at fiction because you've never done it. You believe you are good at non-fiction opinion pieces and political writing because it's what you've done...." And there in his words was the voice of God whispering again...surrender.
So Lord, I'm going to surrender my dream to you. I trust you with it. I will do my best to do my part, sometimes I'll be afraid again. But along with the other struggles I lay at your feet, I will continue to surrender even my dreams to you...knowing You can make them bloom.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)