Surrender

Since just before the new year, I have been hearing the whisper....Surrender.  There is no question in my heart who's voice I am hearing.  It is God gently nudging me in the way in which I should go.  And so began 2013.

I knew there were a couple of areas I needed to surrender to God....my weight and my relationship with money. These two areas have provided repeated fertile ground for the devil to dance as he sowed seeds of self loathing and disappointment with myself.  I have battled both for so long....and repeatedly lost...another thorn of shame. It was time for me to give in to God and let Him put these areas to rest. It was time for me to surrender.  I laughed to myself -- sure pick a couple of easy ones to start with.  No problem there.  Of course...that wasn't the last laugh...because then I realized that compared with my fear of failing or the unknown...food and money were small potatoes.

The sad part of my realization about how paralyzing my fear had been....I'd been afraid to dream -- to dream God's dream for me.  At 47, it's sad to realize how much time I had lost by refusing to surrender those fears and trust.  Trust a God who is more than able, more than full of love for me and a God who dreams big dreams just for me.

I love the voice of God and his confirmation. I knew I needed to write and to return to the blog forum.  So I clicked on my friend Kim's blog and what was her latest entry about....Dreaming God-sized Dreams.  Oh Lord...how I love your humor.

What is my God-sized dream I've been so afraid of....here it is....I want to make my living writing and speaking.  I think a large part of me is afraid of failing, of being wrong...so afraid I wouldn't surrender to my heart's desire.  Again, I hear God whisper...surrender.  In visiting with my husband about my dream...I told him..."Well I know I need to pursue non-fiction writing because it's what I'm good at...even tho I've always loved fiction."  And he told me..."Listen this may hurt your feelings...but you are being a chicken shit.  You don't know you are not good at fiction because you've never done it.  You believe you are good at non-fiction opinion pieces and political writing because it's what you've done...."  And there in his words was the voice of God whispering again...surrender.

So Lord, I'm going to surrender my dream to you.  I trust you with it.  I will do my best to do my part, sometimes I'll be afraid again.  But along with the other struggles I lay at your feet, I will continue to surrender even my dreams to you...knowing You can make them bloom.