Pfff

One of those days.  Frustration. Disillusionment. Anger.  And then my internal voice (and sometimes a whispered external voice) chiding myself to stop being so harsh, stop being so judgmental....and it is so hard.  This is where the lesson, one time is not enough comes up....I wish I could make up my mind to fix something and basically *poof* it is done.  I know there is a bible verse that talks about groaning...and I think it's in terms of change....boy do I feel those groans.  It really is a perfect descriptor.  There doesn't seem to be much peace....so I guess I find myself in a season of angst.  Fabulous.  Okay...something I have to write out....how can you expect something new and different if you change nothing.  Do you ever have one of those --- duh moments.....something you've read and heard over and over again? You understand it just fine... but then suddenly, one day -- BAM -- you get it? Yeah well...that's me with if I want different I have to change.  Doing what I'm doing is how I ended up here.  Here is fine mind you....but there is more.  I know there is.  We've been told there is.....and I want it.  And so I must change how I've done or not done things.  And a lot of the change may be beyond me.  It is change God has to bring....but I also have to let go of what I'm holding on to....and let the change come.  If only it were as easy as typing those words.

And why isn't it easy?  I mean really....why?  I think of Tom Hanks in the movie "A league of their own"  Geena Davis tells Hanks that she is quitting women's baseball because it got too hard.  Hanks says, "Of course it's hard.  That's what makes it great.  If it was easy, everyone would do it."  If it was easy.....

I also think as a parent.  How hard it can be to hold yourself back from swooping in and doing something for your child instead of letting them struggle through the process and conquer a new skill or project for themselves.  Evie just finished her first science fair project.  Oh my was it hard for me to not try to overwhelm her with how I thought the project should go, be or look.  And in the end, she completed it herself.  It wasn't how I would have done it.  It wasn't how I would have made it look.  Was it the best looking science fair project?  Nope.  But it was all hers.  Do I wish the paper cuts would have been straight and clean...ah duh....and it would have been so tempting to scold her for not having it look perfect or having procrastinated or blah-blub-blah bla-blah....but really who would I be helping then...not her and certainly not me.  So she can feel proud of completing the project and the lessons she's learned are hers and hopefully they will be continuing building blocks for her future successes.  And thinking that over...maybe now I have a little better insight into how God looks at us.

So in the book I'm reading "The Circle Maker," author Mark Batterson was talking dreams and setting goals.  Dreaming God-sized dreams and setting goals with deadlines....without the deadlines the goals are no more useful than a dream.  I believe God is calling me to writing and speaking.  And so...here is a goal.  To complete a manuscript before my 50th birthday.  Batterson suggests you need to work like it depends on you, but pray like it depends on God....so there is my challenge.  And yet there is a remaining question and I need God's guidance.  I'm not sure what direction to go. Fiction or Non-Fiction.  And so here's my prayer seeking an answer, wanting an answer to confirm the path to take to be in obedience with God's desires and plan for me.