So...how do you knock someone off

It's really amusing to think of what the peeps who creep your searches must think when they come across my searches for methods of offing people.....he he he he!

ups and downs

So tired of the ups and downs.  I get nearly sea sick.  Am I normal?  Am I a hag?  I wish I could just find a happy medium and stay on an even keel.

Stumbling block

Yesterday during prayer at church, we used the ACTS formula for praying.  Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, Supplication. And during the confession time, I asked for God to search my heart and help me identify my areas of sin.  It amazes me how often I am my worst stumbling block.  And it mostly stems from fear....I haven't tried something or pushed myself...or even when I use my snarky mouth to criticize/gossip/belittle....it is because I fear.   How disappointing it is to me to realize that...the flipside...now I know the challenge I need God's help to overcome.

Pfff

One of those days.  Frustration. Disillusionment. Anger.  And then my internal voice (and sometimes a whispered external voice) chiding myself to stop being so harsh, stop being so judgmental....and it is so hard.  This is where the lesson, one time is not enough comes up....I wish I could make up my mind to fix something and basically *poof* it is done.  I know there is a bible verse that talks about groaning...and I think it's in terms of change....boy do I feel those groans.  It really is a perfect descriptor.  There doesn't seem to be much peace....so I guess I find myself in a season of angst.  Fabulous.  Okay...something I have to write out....how can you expect something new and different if you change nothing.  Do you ever have one of those --- duh moments.....something you've read and heard over and over again? You understand it just fine... but then suddenly, one day -- BAM -- you get it? Yeah well...that's me with if I want different I have to change.  Doing what I'm doing is how I ended up here.  Here is fine mind you....but there is more.  I know there is.  We've been told there is.....and I want it.  And so I must change how I've done or not done things.  And a lot of the change may be beyond me.  It is change God has to bring....but I also have to let go of what I'm holding on to....and let the change come.  If only it were as easy as typing those words.

And why isn't it easy?  I mean really....why?  I think of Tom Hanks in the movie "A league of their own"  Geena Davis tells Hanks that she is quitting women's baseball because it got too hard.  Hanks says, "Of course it's hard.  That's what makes it great.  If it was easy, everyone would do it."  If it was easy.....

I also think as a parent.  How hard it can be to hold yourself back from swooping in and doing something for your child instead of letting them struggle through the process and conquer a new skill or project for themselves.  Evie just finished her first science fair project.  Oh my was it hard for me to not try to overwhelm her with how I thought the project should go, be or look.  And in the end, she completed it herself.  It wasn't how I would have done it.  It wasn't how I would have made it look.  Was it the best looking science fair project?  Nope.  But it was all hers.  Do I wish the paper cuts would have been straight and clean...ah duh....and it would have been so tempting to scold her for not having it look perfect or having procrastinated or blah-blub-blah bla-blah....but really who would I be helping then...not her and certainly not me.  So she can feel proud of completing the project and the lessons she's learned are hers and hopefully they will be continuing building blocks for her future successes.  And thinking that over...maybe now I have a little better insight into how God looks at us.

So in the book I'm reading "The Circle Maker," author Mark Batterson was talking dreams and setting goals.  Dreaming God-sized dreams and setting goals with deadlines....without the deadlines the goals are no more useful than a dream.  I believe God is calling me to writing and speaking.  And so...here is a goal.  To complete a manuscript before my 50th birthday.  Batterson suggests you need to work like it depends on you, but pray like it depends on God....so there is my challenge.  And yet there is a remaining question and I need God's guidance.  I'm not sure what direction to go. Fiction or Non-Fiction.  And so here's my prayer seeking an answer, wanting an answer to confirm the path to take to be in obedience with God's desires and plan for me.

Why is it so hard

I guess I have to twist this to look at the upside. I feel under attack. I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I don't like being at work, I don't like a whole bunch of things. I want to be short and sharp with those around me. I feel angry. Maybe this means I'm growing and changing like God wants me too. But why is keeping that kingdom focus so hard? I tried praying for the people who's forms I was processing to keep from thinking negative thoughts about them....this has potential. But I haven't hit a hole in one for sure. I think I've come to realize I think I can lift something up once and it should be done. And really that's not how it works....not all the time at least. Persistence. UGH. But it's part of the journey....maybe somedays the hardest part. Well at least for today it's my hardest part.

It's so much pressure to come up with a title....

Okay -- so my sweet friend Kim posted this link to a blog post about unparalleled obedience and it got me thinking...which I imagine would make the writer of the post happy as that was probably her point.  HA.  Anyway....one of the lines she uses is to stay firmly on a "God ordained path"  Sounds like a good idea....but what in the world does that mean?  See here's my problem...and I know it's just mine...but I'm sorta stuck with the idea that any God ordained path involves working in ministry....and I mean formally in ministry.  And it really doesn't help my clarity on this issue that most of the people who talk about this are in fact in formal ministry in some way.  I understand the whole "we are all parts of the body" and have different functions...but it's just hard for me to buy the "I'm an accountant for God" ....in my mind, if you are an accountant for it to count you'd have to work for a church or ministry  group.  I know this is not so...really I do...only I guess I don't.  And no I don't expect any one to follow this.  I'm not even sure I follow it.  In a great book I'm reading "The Circle Maker" by Mark Batterson, he talks about someone who persistently applies for his dream job -- for 12 years -- with the State Dept. I'm so confused by this.  I know I'm not at my best always at my job...but even when I am....I don't know that I see myself as being a licensing specialist for Jesus.  Or that I've been called to be a licensing specialist by God.  I know that not everyone can be in full time ministry....that'd be like all of us being stomachs...but it's just odd to me.  I know I am over thinking this and it'll just have to come down to a "Trust Me" issue...and maybe at some point I'll be able to wrap my head around it.

The post also caused me to reflect on the words God's been whispering to me and was my sorta them for the year ....Surrender....and I'm not sure I have been obedient as I should....again....I'm not sure what it looks like.  But I don't think I'm there yet.

Several thoughts have been bubbling in my head and heart.  Another dear friend of mine gives up sweets every year for lent although she's not Catholic. She does this to show respect for all that Christ suffered for us.  I also have wrestled with the challenge that Lysa Terkeurst has talked about and written about in Made to Crave -- do we put things such as food before our relationship with God.  So I am embarking on a challenge for lent that I've felt prompted to surrender...and that is watching television.  So starting tomorrow through Easter...no TV.  I'm excited.  A little nervous...but I know I can do it.  I'm tempted to pile on a whole lot more of things to give up....which is so me...the all or nothing attitude....so I'm keeping it to just television.  I was almost going to give myself a special dispensation so I could watch the season finale of Downton Abbey....but this last episode ended so nicely with things mostly at peace that I figured that was a nice present to me....and since the episode had such a nice "resolved" feeling to it...that the season finale would only bring new trouble or stress to keep us hanging on until next season.   Some days...I'm so quirky and silly I just have to laugh at me.

Access?

Jenny leaned sideways out of her chair to eavesdrop on her co-worker Miranda's conversation with their boss, Celeste. Jenny was pretty sure Miranda was some sort of superhero, there was very little Miranda couldn't do well. Although she had been out sick the last few days. Well, even heroes had at least one tiny flaw.
"Celeste, I can't seem to access the secure disk," Miranda was saying. "Did you happen to change my access?"
"Well no," replied Celeste. "The IT guys have been here working on my computer but they weren't supposed to change any of the settings."
"Hugo doesn't have access either," Miranda reported.
"That is so odd."
The secure disk contained all the office's sensitive and confidential files. Jenny had access for a while. She'd had to retrieve several files for Celeste while Hugo was on vacation and Miranda had been at lunch. Jenny had been somewhat smug because Celeste had not turned off her access. Maybe she was finally going to be a full-fledged member of the team. Of course, Jenny knew it was really only because Celeste had forgotten to change her restricted status. The other day, Jenny had eagerly offered to get a file for Celeste while Miranda was sick and suddenly her access was restricted again. Jenny had just vented last night to her roommate about how petty Celeste could be, it hurt a little to still feel like an outsider. Jenny shrunk a little in her chair feeling guilty. Maybe it wasn't Celeste being petty. Jenny shouldn't have been so quick to jump to conclusions.
Miranda called out from her desk, "Never mind, Celeste I can see the disk now."
Jenny quickly typed out the access information for the drive. Would it be there for her too?

No.

Jenny sighed and told herself that she knew darn well that Celeste could be fickle.  So why did it always come as a surprise and disappointment?  Because Jenny had been so excited to have her first female boss.  She'd had a string of male bosses.  Sure she'd learned plenty from them.  But she had wondered what it would be like to have a female boss who would take an interest in her and become a real mentor.  Jenny shook her head.  She shouldn't hold Celeste responsible for not living up to Jenny's impossible daydream.  She might as well had a dream that they'd brush each other's hair and do their nails together over lunch.  That was just about as likely.  Jenny almost laughed out loud at the thought.  It was just that Celeste was much more human than Jenny had dreamed.

Stereotyping...

No I'm not just typing to the music. :) Have been in a bible study on the book of James and verses 2:1-4 really have me thinking. Essentially I believe God through James is telling us not to judge people by how they appear -- and that we must love equally and all. Jeepers....who am I supposed to be? God? Ha ha ha...the answer is yes...yes you are called to be the face of God to others. Oh stink. This is one of those challenges I do great with....and then I get out of bed.

I've have prided myself on my ability to read people pretty quickly...but to be honest, if that's what I'm doing, I'm stereotyping. Lumping people into easily into categories and jumping to quick conclusions about them. And on my superficial reading of James, I believe I'm being told...."Hey knock it off."

But I fall into the trap time and again. At work, there are groups we stereotype based on ways the majority of the group act. Let's be honest, stereotyping works because it can reflect "cultural" differences, "educational" differences, "financial differences, political differences and so on. Recently, as I was having dinner with a friend who is more liberal than I am, I was telling a story and without thinking I personally identified her by telling her how much she would get a kick out the story of my daughter wanting to protest for the rainforest. I'm not positive but I think I really hurt her by my words. She did point out "I love how you think I'm going to enjoy that story." I don't believe she meant that "love" in the way I did. I stereotyped her and may have missed out on a deeper understanding of her heart. I shut it off because I figured I already knew her because of a stereotype I had in my head for how her political beliefs might influence her without knowing for sure.

I can point to many examples of times when my "first impressions" were off. And I also have to tell you even if my impression was right on, I still had an opportunity to learn from people I didn't respect or even like -- say nothing of love. So why can't I learn to have a heart like Jesus...for all God's children?

And yet, there are people who can get on my one last nerve like nobody's business. Frankly, I can't even always pinpoint what they do that makes me grind my teeth....but I know I deliberately close down when I am around them. Afraid I may snap and say something truly hurtful. I at least get that much of God's message. But I don't love them....and certainly not enough to die for them.

I haven't even touched on people who have either deliberately or accidentally hurt me. I've been busy building up a wall the last couple of days because an acquaintance of mine, in the guise of her job, wrote a letter critical of my husband. Mind you....I haven't even laid eyes on the letter...but the idea that it exists starts me wall building....and by the way....I do have boiling oil for those that try to cross that wall when they are on the other side.

Clearly I'm not fulfilling what I'm reading in James. My heart cries out..."But God -- you can't mean it. Look at these people....God they don't get it and they annoy and anger me. How can you expect me to love them." Talk about unlovable.

And that's part of it. God doesn't expect me to love them. He wants to give His love to them through me. Oh Lord...this is definitely be a "carry me" because I can't do this on my own.