Someday can be a trap. Because someday never comes. I'm pretty sure some smart person said that before this....if not....now a smart person has said it. Tee Hee.
What is it with human nature that makes it so hard go after things....or is it just me. I can find all kinds of hurdles that can seem to be "insurmountable" Why? What has become so hard to for me to believe in myself.
In some respects, I think I've let the breast cancer be both the reason to be challenged....but also at the same time, it's become the "can't" Part of that stems from the fact that it's still been pretty recent and there are times that energy just goes...I want to do so much. I think about starting to get up earlier, exercising and then having quiet time. But then...the energy isn't there to sustain that kind of activity. So it has to be in little steps. For me, that's hard. But if I want to find a bright side -- and really why not? -- maybe I have a better shot at maintaining the changes. Perhaps that's part of the lesson that needs to be learned.
I think it was Paul who said something along the line of why do I do the things I loath and don't do the things I love.....or something close to that.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
Ego's tarnish on a falling star.
There have been a recent spate of news stories about Fox News and Sarah Palin parting ways. Palin at the height of her popularity signed a deal with Fox News, building a studio at her Alaska home and extending her influence over a disenchanted conservative voters. While it's no surprise that the group nicknamed the "Lame-Stream Media" by Palin would swoop in on this story about her fading star and influence they will miss a critical lesson for us all.
While I'm not ready to call Palin a flash in the pan it would be silly not to acknowledge that her star is not quit as bright. Frankly, I was one of her early cheerleaders. She brought such a fresh energy to a GOP desperately in need of an injection, she also gave a voice to conservative women who had for years been told their views were not legitimate because they were only parroting their husband's view. The subtext being these women were too stupid to have their own views since they weren't feminists. She made being a conservative female not only attractive but strong. Look out for the Mama Grizzlies.
Palin was mistreated by a cadre of Washington professionals who didn't understand her strengths nor have confidence in them. At the same time, rank and file conservatives were going crazy for the new personality center stage. So Palin took the adulation and believed the notion that not only did she have all the answers, she was the answer. A human failing with which we are all a little too familiar.
The truth is no person has all the answers. An effective leader must find advisors that can fill the gaps and strengthen their own performance. By being distrustful and perhaps threatened by experienced politicos, Palin cut herself off from the ability to become a more well rounded leader offering deep, well developed policy solutions instead of being reduced to spouting shallow sound bites.
While I'm not ready to call Palin a flash in the pan it would be silly not to acknowledge that her star is not quit as bright. Frankly, I was one of her early cheerleaders. She brought such a fresh energy to a GOP desperately in need of an injection, she also gave a voice to conservative women who had for years been told their views were not legitimate because they were only parroting their husband's view. The subtext being these women were too stupid to have their own views since they weren't feminists. She made being a conservative female not only attractive but strong. Look out for the Mama Grizzlies.
Palin was mistreated by a cadre of Washington professionals who didn't understand her strengths nor have confidence in them. At the same time, rank and file conservatives were going crazy for the new personality center stage. So Palin took the adulation and believed the notion that not only did she have all the answers, she was the answer. A human failing with which we are all a little too familiar.
The truth is no person has all the answers. An effective leader must find advisors that can fill the gaps and strengthen their own performance. By being distrustful and perhaps threatened by experienced politicos, Palin cut herself off from the ability to become a more well rounded leader offering deep, well developed policy solutions instead of being reduced to spouting shallow sound bites.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
So here I sit
So here I sit. Bright sunshiny Saturday morning and I'm watching the clock on my dashboard tick away the minutes. Waiting for a meeting that could mean...what? I had no idea. All I knew was, I wasn't going in just yet. The last five years of my life had been spent working for a boss that considered arriving on time to be late. Arrive five minutes early for everything or there was hell to pay. Well not any more. And so I sat.
But last night, the craziest thing happened. I got a message. Be at the campaign office at 9:00 a.m. And here I was. So much for not jumping when called. Pavlav's dogs had nothing on me. Here I was in the parking lot....and my one last shred of control was to walk into this meeting late. Okay so it was playground level control....but it was something. Right? Take that dogs.
8:59 a.m. the display showed. It was taking everything I had to not bolt for the door.
But last night, the craziest thing happened. I got a message. Be at the campaign office at 9:00 a.m. And here I was. So much for not jumping when called. Pavlav's dogs had nothing on me. Here I was in the parking lot....and my one last shred of control was to walk into this meeting late. Okay so it was playground level control....but it was something. Right? Take that dogs.
8:59 a.m. the display showed. It was taking everything I had to not bolt for the door.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Just a spark
He breathed on to his fingertips willing them to warm up. The campfire had gone out during the night in spite of his best efforts to keep it going. He was thankful that he'd at least taken the time to gather more kindling last evening. Papa had always said, "Do the work now little one. Tomorrow will only bring more." The frost on the ground stung his feet through the muslin strips he's wrapped tightly around them. The pain from the cold would have made gathering the twigs and leaves dreadful. As it was he was hunched into a tight ball to keep the cold at bay.
Another deep breath, followed by a gentle exhale and his fingers, stiff from the cold, began to ease open. He reached slowly and deliberately for the pile of kindling, carefully placing the fire's fuel so it would be ready to greet the reignited flame. The slow movements ached at first but also helped loosen the muscles in his wrists and fingers. Then he reached between his knees for the pouch that contained his fire kit laying on his feet. The pouch contained his flint, steel and some pieces of char cloth he'd made before starting this journey. He picked a piece of char cloth, laid it on top of the flint near the edge to catch the sparks as he'd quickly draw the steel against the flint. His concentration on the rapid striking of the steel on flint shut out the aching stiffness. The char cloth caught the sparks. He laid down the steel and gentle blew on the sparks. His free hand picked up some of the dry leaves and surrounded the cloth. He blew again and the sparks danced over to the leaves and turned into flames. Now that the fire had caught the kindling materials, he placed the flaming bundle under the logs and continued to feed the flame bits of twig and leaves to keep it going until the big pieces of wood caught the fire.
Another deep breath, followed by a gentle exhale and his fingers, stiff from the cold, began to ease open. He reached slowly and deliberately for the pile of kindling, carefully placing the fire's fuel so it would be ready to greet the reignited flame. The slow movements ached at first but also helped loosen the muscles in his wrists and fingers. Then he reached between his knees for the pouch that contained his fire kit laying on his feet. The pouch contained his flint, steel and some pieces of char cloth he'd made before starting this journey. He picked a piece of char cloth, laid it on top of the flint near the edge to catch the sparks as he'd quickly draw the steel against the flint. His concentration on the rapid striking of the steel on flint shut out the aching stiffness. The char cloth caught the sparks. He laid down the steel and gentle blew on the sparks. His free hand picked up some of the dry leaves and surrounded the cloth. He blew again and the sparks danced over to the leaves and turned into flames. Now that the fire had caught the kindling materials, he placed the flaming bundle under the logs and continued to feed the flame bits of twig and leaves to keep it going until the big pieces of wood caught the fire.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Some questions from church that really challenged me and I'll continue to ponder for a long time as I seek to put God first.
Lord, illuminate our hearts by your Spirit. Draw near to us as we draw near to you.
__________
What do you worship?
What do you fear?
What do you serve?
What do you crave?
What do you treasure?
What do you trust?
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.” James 4:7-8
Lord, illuminate our hearts by your Spirit. Draw near to us as we draw near to you.
__________
What do you worship?
What do you fear?
What do you serve?
What do you crave?
What do you treasure?
What do you trust?
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you.” James 4:7-8
Saturday, January 19, 2013
I want chickens....
"I want chickens."
"Huh...What?"
"I said, I want chickens"
"I thought that's what you said. For dinner?"
"No silly. I want egg laying, coop living chickens. You know. Bwak. Bwak. Chickens. I want Chickens!"
"You can't be serious."
"I'm telling you it'd be great. You haven't had breakfast until you've had fresh chicken eggs."
"Um....I'm sure we could figure out an easier way to get fresh eggs. How about that farmer's market that all the hippies go to. I bet they have fresh eggs."
"I want my own chickens who lay their own eggs."
"Well of course you do. Seriously, you are joking aren't you?"
To be continued.....
Back to LeAnne
LeAnne enjoyed her morning commute. Walking those few blocks was a peaceful way to start her days. At the end of the day it also provided a nice transition to walk off the worst of the day. On those days that required a longer jaunt, LeAnne's garage was home to her parent's 1993 Ford Taurus. It was the opposite of flashy, it was so beige it blended in to the background just like LeAnne. LeAnne didn't need the car more than a few times a month to make a trip to the grocery store or perhaps to dinner with friends. Her dad was so proud of that old reliable Ford, it seemed disrespectful to get rid of it. It just felt comfortable. Besides, if her job required her to go out of town, the University provided a car. So her needs were met by the Taurus.
LeAnne did a quick mental check on when the last time she had "Ole T" out and how much gas was in the tank. Shopping and other errands were calling. Almost inexplicably, LeAnne had recently fallen in love with a picture of a smart car painted to look like a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe. It looked so zippy and fun. LeAnne smiled at the thought of the stares she'd attract driving an outrageous car. That kind of frivolous attention was what she had shunned since she'd been teenager. What on earth was she thinking? But it did make her smile.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Screaming in my head
I am having one of those days when it seems nothing is easy...no one is picking up what I'm wanting. How freaking self-centered does that sound. BIG Time....but there are times that work items go easy....and times when they don't. Right now....it's a don't. And then when I put out a plea for lunch to be brought to me....it totally gets misunderstood. I don't want to spell it out.....I just want you to intuitively know what I WANT!!!!! Is that too much to ask. I guess so. Sigh. Really my life is not that hard. It's just feeling hexagonal today -- when what I need is square.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Who works with Lois....
I don't even know that I think Lois is a main character....she has potential...except I'm thinking about renaming her LeAnne. I'm also toying with taking pics and then having to write about them. Mmmm....
For some reason, I'm thinking one of the people in LeAnne's day is the building manager/custodian. Feels a little obvious...but one of those people who can easily be overlooked but yet make everything go much smoother. Toying with names....and I scroll through several in my mind....first I go to Louis...but since LeAnne is an "L" name I don't think I should chose another L name. Joe seems too expected....so how about Micah. No...the more I think and write about him....Micah is not the right name. I know it's one of those names that is coming back in fashion but I see this as a grizzled older man who has worked hard, maybe several years outside....1st or 2nd generation immigrant from.....I really am feeling Italian background. He wears the dark navy Dickey's brand uniform ...matching shirt and pants....black shoe -- they are a lace-up style similar to the kind postal workers wear...maybe he worked at the post office and spending his post "postal" retirement working. There was an opening at the college and he figured the tuition benefits would be good for his kids. He has an adequate retirement plan from the Postal Service....but retirement turned into too much time on his hands. He does keep a small garden at home and is extremely proud of the tomatoes he raises each summer. He cans an amazing homemade pasta sauce. He also is very proud of his grandson Paul (or Paulo - a nickname). Paul is married to Sheryl, who is pregnant with twins -- their first children. Maybe my former postal worker's name is Carlo....
For some reason, I'm thinking one of the people in LeAnne's day is the building manager/custodian. Feels a little obvious...but one of those people who can easily be overlooked but yet make everything go much smoother. Toying with names....and I scroll through several in my mind....first I go to Louis...but since LeAnne is an "L" name I don't think I should chose another L name. Joe seems too expected....so how about Micah. No...the more I think and write about him....Micah is not the right name. I know it's one of those names that is coming back in fashion but I see this as a grizzled older man who has worked hard, maybe several years outside....1st or 2nd generation immigrant from.....I really am feeling Italian background. He wears the dark navy Dickey's brand uniform ...matching shirt and pants....black shoe -- they are a lace-up style similar to the kind postal workers wear...maybe he worked at the post office and spending his post "postal" retirement working. There was an opening at the college and he figured the tuition benefits would be good for his kids. He has an adequate retirement plan from the Postal Service....but retirement turned into too much time on his hands. He does keep a small garden at home and is extremely proud of the tomatoes he raises each summer. He cans an amazing homemade pasta sauce. He also is very proud of his grandson Paul (or Paulo - a nickname). Paul is married to Sheryl, who is pregnant with twins -- their first children. Maybe my former postal worker's name is Carlo....
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Fleshing out details about Lois....
So...some details about Lois....
She lives alone. Age range -- not necessarily obvious from what has been written so far. Concerned with practicality over style. (Rockports) Likes to rise early to enjoy solitude. Clearly is secure with herself as evidenced by living alone and enjoying the early rising and getting to work while still quiet. Or she could be shy, or have a bit of a phobia.
Weather doesn't seem to shake her morning routine.
She is a responsible neighbor -- wanting to hire neighbor kids, notices actions of neighbors and wants to conform.
She is has some disposable income (hiring the neighbor kids). She works on a campus -- so possibly educated.
Details I would add... Lois is in her late 30s - early 40s. She is well educated - CPA, MBA. She is employed in the administration of the campus as the VP of Financial Affairs. She had been hired for the position by the previous President, Don Thomas and is still loyal to him. She had worked with President Thomas' wife at a financial firm. Lois is used to being nondescript. She has done her best to not draw attention to her gender and dresses in basic colors with more boxy shaped jackets to draw attention away from her figure. She is very aware that she is in a male dominated occupation. While she wears the Rockports to walk in, she keeps a low heeled black pump at her desk for work.
In the administrative office suite (renovated by the new president) Lois has chosen the smallest office farthest from the President's office. However, her office has the arched windows with a diamond shaped panes which are a nod to the historic nature of the building. With crowed bookshelves the office feels like a cozy professors office. Her windows do open part way and over look the quad.
Lois spent a summer at the London School for Economics. She wanted to stay but finances and family matters prevented it.
The college she works at is a small Christian liberal arts school. She attended the school as an undergrad. Her grandfather, a local banker, had served on the Board of Trustees. He would bring Lois and her siblings to events at the college when they came to visit.
She lives alone. Age range -- not necessarily obvious from what has been written so far. Concerned with practicality over style. (Rockports) Likes to rise early to enjoy solitude. Clearly is secure with herself as evidenced by living alone and enjoying the early rising and getting to work while still quiet. Or she could be shy, or have a bit of a phobia.
Weather doesn't seem to shake her morning routine.
She is a responsible neighbor -- wanting to hire neighbor kids, notices actions of neighbors and wants to conform.
She is has some disposable income (hiring the neighbor kids). She works on a campus -- so possibly educated.
Details I would add... Lois is in her late 30s - early 40s. She is well educated - CPA, MBA. She is employed in the administration of the campus as the VP of Financial Affairs. She had been hired for the position by the previous President, Don Thomas and is still loyal to him. She had worked with President Thomas' wife at a financial firm. Lois is used to being nondescript. She has done her best to not draw attention to her gender and dresses in basic colors with more boxy shaped jackets to draw attention away from her figure. She is very aware that she is in a male dominated occupation. While she wears the Rockports to walk in, she keeps a low heeled black pump at her desk for work.
In the administrative office suite (renovated by the new president) Lois has chosen the smallest office farthest from the President's office. However, her office has the arched windows with a diamond shaped panes which are a nod to the historic nature of the building. With crowed bookshelves the office feels like a cozy professors office. Her windows do open part way and over look the quad.
Lois spent a summer at the London School for Economics. She wanted to stay but finances and family matters prevented it.
The college she works at is a small Christian liberal arts school. She attended the school as an undergrad. Her grandfather, a local banker, had served on the Board of Trustees. He would bring Lois and her siblings to events at the college when they came to visit.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Sucking energy/Lois Part 1
Okay....so having a kid home sick for three days tends to suck any energy or decent human-ness right out of me. And frankly one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone watches my screen without me inviting them too....something both my girls rock at....and if I yell at them I feel guilty -- but man I just can't stand so much togetherness.
Last night I was kicking around a character in my head...so here goes an attempt at translating brain ramblings to something a little more tangible.
Lois took a deep breath in as she stepped off her front porch step. The air smelled of spring. The effervescent aroma of her neighbor's freshly mowed grass sweetly promised a glorious day. She mentally added mowing her own small lawn that evening to her growing to do list. She really should see if one of the kids in the neighborhood would like to earn some pocket money. But that might be more effort than just doing it herself.
It was the stillness of dawn that Lois cherished as she began her four block walk to work. The sun had begun joining Lois for the brief walk to the campus again. While the neighborhood had always been safe, walking in daylight was more soothing. Lois footfalls were muted thanks to her sensible Rockport walkers even though the sidewalks were still gritty from the salt and gravel that were required to keep the sidewalks safe for pedestrians during the icy winter.
Last night I was kicking around a character in my head...so here goes an attempt at translating brain ramblings to something a little more tangible.
Lois took a deep breath in as she stepped off her front porch step. The air smelled of spring. The effervescent aroma of her neighbor's freshly mowed grass sweetly promised a glorious day. She mentally added mowing her own small lawn that evening to her growing to do list. She really should see if one of the kids in the neighborhood would like to earn some pocket money. But that might be more effort than just doing it herself.
It was the stillness of dawn that Lois cherished as she began her four block walk to work. The sun had begun joining Lois for the brief walk to the campus again. While the neighborhood had always been safe, walking in daylight was more soothing. Lois footfalls were muted thanks to her sensible Rockport walkers even though the sidewalks were still gritty from the salt and gravel that were required to keep the sidewalks safe for pedestrians during the icy winter.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Surrender
Since just before the new year, I have been hearing the whisper....Surrender. There is no question in my heart who's voice I am hearing. It is God gently nudging me in the way in which I should go. And so began 2013.
I knew there were a couple of areas I needed to surrender to God....my weight and my relationship with money. These two areas have provided repeated fertile ground for the devil to dance as he sowed seeds of self loathing and disappointment with myself. I have battled both for so long....and repeatedly lost...another thorn of shame. It was time for me to give in to God and let Him put these areas to rest. It was time for me to surrender. I laughed to myself -- sure pick a couple of easy ones to start with. No problem there. Of course...that wasn't the last laugh...because then I realized that compared with my fear of failing or the unknown...food and money were small potatoes.
The sad part of my realization about how paralyzing my fear had been....I'd been afraid to dream -- to dream God's dream for me. At 47, it's sad to realize how much time I had lost by refusing to surrender those fears and trust. Trust a God who is more than able, more than full of love for me and a God who dreams big dreams just for me.
I love the voice of God and his confirmation. I knew I needed to write and to return to the blog forum. So I clicked on my friend Kim's blog and what was her latest entry about....Dreaming God-sized Dreams. Oh Lord...how I love your humor.
What is my God-sized dream I've been so afraid of....here it is....I want to make my living writing and speaking. I think a large part of me is afraid of failing, of being wrong...so afraid I wouldn't surrender to my heart's desire. Again, I hear God whisper...surrender. In visiting with my husband about my dream...I told him..."Well I know I need to pursue non-fiction writing because it's what I'm good at...even tho I've always loved fiction." And he told me..."Listen this may hurt your feelings...but you are being a chicken shit. You don't know you are not good at fiction because you've never done it. You believe you are good at non-fiction opinion pieces and political writing because it's what you've done...." And there in his words was the voice of God whispering again...surrender.
So Lord, I'm going to surrender my dream to you. I trust you with it. I will do my best to do my part, sometimes I'll be afraid again. But along with the other struggles I lay at your feet, I will continue to surrender even my dreams to you...knowing You can make them bloom.
I knew there were a couple of areas I needed to surrender to God....my weight and my relationship with money. These two areas have provided repeated fertile ground for the devil to dance as he sowed seeds of self loathing and disappointment with myself. I have battled both for so long....and repeatedly lost...another thorn of shame. It was time for me to give in to God and let Him put these areas to rest. It was time for me to surrender. I laughed to myself -- sure pick a couple of easy ones to start with. No problem there. Of course...that wasn't the last laugh...because then I realized that compared with my fear of failing or the unknown...food and money were small potatoes.
The sad part of my realization about how paralyzing my fear had been....I'd been afraid to dream -- to dream God's dream for me. At 47, it's sad to realize how much time I had lost by refusing to surrender those fears and trust. Trust a God who is more than able, more than full of love for me and a God who dreams big dreams just for me.
I love the voice of God and his confirmation. I knew I needed to write and to return to the blog forum. So I clicked on my friend Kim's blog and what was her latest entry about....Dreaming God-sized Dreams. Oh Lord...how I love your humor.
What is my God-sized dream I've been so afraid of....here it is....I want to make my living writing and speaking. I think a large part of me is afraid of failing, of being wrong...so afraid I wouldn't surrender to my heart's desire. Again, I hear God whisper...surrender. In visiting with my husband about my dream...I told him..."Well I know I need to pursue non-fiction writing because it's what I'm good at...even tho I've always loved fiction." And he told me..."Listen this may hurt your feelings...but you are being a chicken shit. You don't know you are not good at fiction because you've never done it. You believe you are good at non-fiction opinion pieces and political writing because it's what you've done...." And there in his words was the voice of God whispering again...surrender.
So Lord, I'm going to surrender my dream to you. I trust you with it. I will do my best to do my part, sometimes I'll be afraid again. But along with the other struggles I lay at your feet, I will continue to surrender even my dreams to you...knowing You can make them bloom.
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