Hard habit to break

I have been in a rut....my last two paragraphs or character sketches have been focused on women battling themselves and their brokenness....this is not necessarily bad...but I'm struggling to break away from the sadness and grief I'm feeling, that is being reflected in my sketches.  Eek....I need to figure out what is breaking my heart.

Sneakers

Gwen paused as she was putting on her running shoes.  With a deep breath, she admitted to herself what she'd been feeling for the last few weeks.  She was lonely.  Surrounded by crowds, there was no one with whom she was intimate.  No she didn't mean physically.  Gwen meant someone she could tell her deepest secrets, her hurts, her dreams.  She felt dry, isolated and sad.  During the last week, Gwen had slipped away from her desk to cry in the bathroom.  There wasn't even always a trigger, but silently the tears would roll down her cheeks.  Filled to the brim, her eyes overflowed.  But as quickly as the blues came on, the wave of sorrow passed as Gwen gave herself a good mental shake.

"Enough," she told herself.  "You have too much to be thankful for to sit and wallow."

Wiping her nose on the tissue she kept in her running jacket, Gwen replaced the tissue and finished lacing up her shoes.

"Nothing a little run won't straighten out," she thought.

Sal

Sal couldn't seem to help herself.  She was caught in a vicious cycle of misery and anger.  She was tired, frustrated and just plain pissed off.  And the real stinker was the person with whom she was most angry was her!  How is that fair?  It wasn't.  Sal kicked one of her slippers across the room.

Why was everyone on her last nerve....or was Sal on her last nerve because everyone else was so stupid.  Take Lisa for example.  The girl claimed to be one of Sal's truest and dearest friends.  You caught that right?  Lisa was the one who gave herself the honor.  Typical.  Lisa loved dominating conversations generously sprinkling it with industry slang from her job at the insurance agency...just so someone would ask her what the hell she was talking about.  As if that wasn't manipulative. And lately, Lisa had started making snide comments about Sal's outfits, the state of the papers on her desk, and even took issue with how often Sal rotated the plants on her office window sill.  Seriously?  Sal knew all the nitpicking to make it seem that Sal was incompetent and needed Lisa to come to her rescue.  Well dang it...Sal was tired of it.

Sal blew out a big breath....and ran her hand through her hair.  Time for the shame spiral.  Sal knew that Lisa was immensely insecure.  That's what drove her behaviors.  Her husband had dumped her two years ago, leaving her alone and feeling unloved.  Everything she did was to show she was necessary and important.  Couldn't Sal just allow her that vulnerability.  Couldn't Sal just show a little mercy and grace....especially since Sal knew she wasn't perfect and struggled with her own self-doubt.

"Ah, crap.  Why the frack do I do this to myself," sighed Sal.  She felt totally mired in this muck.  Why couldn't she forgive Lisa for her annoying habits.  Why couldn't she just chalk them up and let Lisa's good traits outweigh the tick-ity tacky stuff.  On the other hand, Sal silently argued with herself....why was it okay for her to be Lisa's doormat?   WHAP!  The other slipper flew across the room hitting the wall.

"Am I the only person who feels this way?" shouted Sal at the wall.  She felt so alone.  Why she spending so much time on this?  Why couldn't she shake it.  And yet, when things that annoyed her or frankly insulted her happened, she always seemed to be caught flat-footed.  No response ready, not able to put a stop to the crap in way that didn't escalate the situation or worse make Sal feel like a complete nincompoop 5 minutes later.

Finally, exhausted from her pacing and ranting, Sal dropped to the couch.  "God," she pleaded, "help me.  This is just too hard.  I'm failing myself and I'm failing You.  Help me."

Silence.

And then her tears started to fall.